Touring Pandora
by Xeal II
Summary: Not everything on Pandora is particularly glamorous or intellectually stimulating. In fact, sometimes the place is just one ass-backwards joke after another. A humor fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Touring Pandora**

This is a humor fic. These tidbits are scenes I felt were missing from the movie. Sure, we got to see the glamorous life of Jake Sully and the epic vision of Pandora. It's time to illustrate the less-than glamorous parts. There will be more to come.

**

**Not in the Brochure**

Site 26 was a shithole, literally. Running water was something of a joke out here, and regular flush toilets were apparently too much to ask for. Exopacks were supposed to filter out the toxic Pandoran atmosphere, but even these devices couldn't handle the stench from the chemical toilet. Trudy cursed under her breath, wondering exactly how she wound up unclogging the sewage pipeline for a bunch of scientists and one crippled marine, or what the fuck they had been eating to create this ungodly disaster.

"Hey, can you hurry up out there? This body has been waiting an entire _day._" Norm radioed, watching from the relative safety inside. Oh yes, the glamorous duty of an Avatar driver, training your body not piss itself while in the psionic link machine for twelve hours a day. Certainly that little tidbit hadn't made it into the RDA recruitment brochure.

"Open your mouth again and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to take a dump standing up." Trudy answered.

"Love you too." Norm whispered to himself, trying not to laugh. Whatever amusement he may have been experiencing fled immediately with the gut wrenching pain in his midsection.

"I told you not to eat the fruit." Jake quipped, watching as Norm doubled over in agony.

"Pandoran fruit is supposed to be compatible with our physiology." Norm countered, wishing someone had brought along some laxatives. The gas was horrendous, even to him.

"Compatible and good idea are two different things. Just ask any marine cook." Jake replied, wafting the stench emanating from the scientist. "Hell…" He continued, reaching for his exopack. Sure, on paper Site 26 sounded great, go see the floating mountains, be close to nature. Right, and deal with a scientist who was dumb enough to eat the local food. Wasn't that the first rule of going anywhere? Don't drink the water, don't eat the food. Norm had done both. Fortunately Grace was still locked in the psionic link machine, unaware of the lingering stench hovering over them all. As if to punctuate his thoughts, the scientist fastened his own exopack over his face, cringing as he cleared the offensive smell from his nostrils.

"You're probably right, but these algae rations are so foul." Norm pleaded his case. Pandoran fruit did taste better than that barely palatable crap.

"Right. And having to wear exopacks indoors isn't?" Jake pointed out.

"Got it." Trudy confirmed over the radio, trudging into the airlock, clearing the toxic atmosphere and removing her exopack. As she marched in angrily, curiosity came over her. "Fuck, is there another air leak? Why are you wearing your masks?" She didn't hear any alarms indicating a breach, but small enough leaks sometimes went undetected by the sensors. Jake and Norm said nothing, just staring at her expectantly, as if waiting for something. The scientist's mouth twitched, as if trying to suppress something incredibly hilarious.

Then the stench hit her. "Good God, did you shit yourself?"

**

**Big Ideas**

"There's good ideas, bad ideas, terribly fucked up ass-backwards retarded ideas hatched by mental deficients… then there's whatever the fuck YOU did." Grace ranted angrily, staring Jake down as Norm wisely kept his mouth shut. "I mean, what the hell were you thinking? You _mated_ with her?"

Jake knew the implication well enough, maybe if he hadn't done the deed, the Omaticaya might have trusted him, might have taken him at his word and saved themselves from the hell Quaritch had unleashed upon them. But it was like he had said it in his video log, there was nothing that would have made them move, short of death. Unfortunately, RDA was more than willing to provide that. Not that Grace's words didn't hurt, the pain of them was like a knife straight through his heart. Even he had known it was terrible idea, but there was a certain inevitability about it, something that couldn't be controlled. He truly loved Neytiri, being nine-feet tall and blue didn't even enter into it, and the pain of her rejection echoed in his mind.

"Now we're in a five-by-five cell and I don't have a goddamned cigarette." Grace finished acidly, turning towards the guard. "How about it, soldier. Got any cancer sticks?"

"Not for a tree-hugging traitor." The guard smiled, reaching for his pack slowly, lighting up with obvious relish and blowing the smoke against the glass.

"Fuck you and whatever cunt brought you into the world." Grace continued, sighing, resigning herself to this failure.

"Look, I'm sorry. Jesus, you don't think this hasn't ruined my day?" Jake pointed out. "I've got two bodies, and according to you no brain, and the closest thing to a girlfriend I've ever had just had her home blown up and blames me for it."

"Yeah," Grace began. "I suppose you wouldn't be a marine if you weren't a complete pain in my ass." She was smiling halfheartedly.

"Can I ask something?" Norm asked submissively. "What was it like? I mean… is it, you know, different at all?"

"What the fuck? I swear to God, I'm surrounded by a bunch of xenophile pervs." Grace threw up her hands absently. The guard apparently decided this was worthy conversation material, shuffling over to the glass.

"You got laid by a fucking _alien?"_ The guard asked curiously. "Do they even have the same er… equipment?"

"We just started a goddamned war with the natives, and you're asking about their genitals?" Grace gave up, sitting back with a resigned expression on her face.

"Well, they are tall and they've got some pretty big feet…" The guard pointed out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Toy Box**

Parker Selfridge looked up from behind his desk, toying with his hundred-thousand dollar paperweight, twirling the unobtainium chunk around in his fingers. Whatever the man's other failings, he certainly did have a flair for the dramatic, always reminding everyone before him of exactly why they were here. As bosses went, he had a penchant for rubbing in his authority, too.

"Come in, Grace. Please sit." Parker offered.

"I'd rather stand, thank you." Grace replied acidly. "What is it this time? Did one of your soldiers get lost in the woods again?"

"Nothing so dramatic. Actually I brought you in to offer you some help." Parker smiled. That was Grace's first clue that something was about to go horribly wrong.

"Here, catch." The administrator tossed a small blue rubber ball towards her. She fumbled a moment before catching it.

"What is this for?" Grace asked her curiosity piqued despite herself. Had Parker finally lost it?

"Well the blue monkeys didn't want roads or medicine. So what about toys? The engineers in the fabrication plant can turn out a few hundred of these a day, and they cost practically nothing." Parker offered, sliding a case of the toys across his desk. "You're always telling me we have to be all sensitive with these primitives, so how about it?"

"Let me get this straight, Parker. You want me to walk right into that native camp down there and tell them with a straight face… 'here you go, have a case of blue balls?'" Grace laughed. Parker didn't.

**

**The Birds**

"Showoff." Trudy mumbled under her breath as she worked on her Samson, watching as Jake flew over Site 26 with his new flying bird-dragon-thing, swooping in low and ascending to the clouds again, over and over. Beside her, Norm was in his avatar, and Grace had donned her exopack, both whooping with joy as they witnessed the event. Trudy didn't understand just what the big deal was. So he tamed a pet lizard, great, wonderful, could they go home now?

"Can you believe it?" Grace said wistfully. "They're going to make him one of the Omaticaya tomorrow."

"It's kind of bullshit, if you ask me. We study for this our whole lives, and they pick _that_ guy." Norm replied, but he was smiling, having come to terms with their acceptance of Jake. It hadn't been easy, at first Norm wanted to hate Jake for it, but over time he had come to understand the reasons for it. In a sense, Jake was already one of them, a tough-as-nails warrior.

"Yeah, who would have figured that?" Grace answered, watching as Jake and his banshee swooped from the clouds one last time, Neytiri following him, the Omaticayan princess apparently paying no attention to Site 26's metal containers or its inhabitants.

"It's wonderful," Norm continued. "I wish that were me up there."

"Yeah, it's fucking wonderful all right." Trudy said angrily as the scientists turned around to see what had pissed her off. The pilot was clambering over the windshield of her Samson, trying to wash off a large pile of white banshee shit from the front of the craft.

"Fucking birds, same on every goddamned planet." Trudy cursed.

**

**Pizza Man**

No one had ever accused the cafeteria 'chefs' of having any talent whatsoever. Certainly there was only so much one could do with algae-based rations, but even so, Norm found the cooks here to be particularly bad with the stuff.

"You know what I miss about Earth?" He complained. "Pizza. Yeah, I know it sounds weird."

"Weird? Nah, you're finally starting making sense, doc." Jake replied, frowning at his own plate, swishing the unpalatable rations around with his fork. Six years of eating this crap, that was _really_ something to look forward to, Jake thought sarcastically.

"Shit, the Colonel's coming." Norm whispered as Quaritch marched into the cafeteria. Something about the SecOps officer always unnerved the scientist, as if the man just wasn't entirely sane. Norm tried as hard as he could not to make eye contact with the former marine. Undaunted, Quaritch approached the table, nodding to Jake in turn.

"Corporal." He nodded to Jake respectfully, turning to the scientist intentionally trying to avoid him, obviously enjoying the man's discomfort. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"He's just thinking of some smart scientific shit." Jake answered for him.

"Yeah? Say something smart." Quaritch challenged.

"I like pizza." Norm said stupidly, a vacant expression on his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Roll With It  
**

Jake took stock of his first night living with the tribe, trying not to laugh at the insanity of it all. _Let's see,_ he thought, three stepped-on tails, one near-death experience, one bloody prick in the chest and a banquet of food that made his avatar body so sick he could barely walk. Neytiri smiled at him, enjoying his discomfort. _Well at least she's not trying to kill me,_ Jake thought wryly, _that's an improvement._

"Hey princess, you got a bathroom around here?" Jake asked pointedly.

"Bath-room?" Neytiri questioned.

"Yeah, like a place where you, uh… take a dump. Relieve yourself. Shit…" The warrior princess just glanced at him, eyes glazed over in confusion. Jake sighed, squatting low, grunting as if in extreme effort, waving his hands as if wafting away a terrible scent. That got through to Neytiri and she snorted, pointing to an area behind Hometree that everyone had been carefully avoiding the entire night.

"You go there." She ordered, deriving some sort of amusement at his embarrassment.

"Whattya use for toilet paper?" This was an important question, no one had bothered to write about 'things safe to wipe your blue-skinned ass with' in the Pandoran field manual, though perhaps someone ought to have included that informative little tidbit.

"Toy-let paper?"

Jake shook his head, this language barrier thing was more annoying than he had originally anticipated. Dr. Augustine's school had apparently included such words as "botany" and "biology" but had omitted the key concepts of "places to take a dump" and "what to wipe your ass with," far more important concepts when you got right down to it. Neytiri just blinked at him before suddenly catching on, the light bulb going off in her mind.

"You mean cleaning leaves." She stated proudly.

"Yeah. Okay. Leaves to clean with. Which ones are those?"

"You are like a baby." Neytiri stated for about the tenth time.

"Yes, yes, Jakesully, big baby. Where is the shit-wiping stuff?" Jake answered, annoyance creeping into his voice. For her part, Neytiri merely plucked a pair of leaves from Hometree, handing them to him, obviously trying not to laugh _too_ hard.

"Thanks." He replied, heading into the bushes behind the tree where a small wooden stand awaited him. _Well,_ he thought, _this is definitely the place._ The stench was terrible and a part of him wondered how anyone could stand to take a dump in such a place. The jungles of South America were cleaner than this festering cesspit. It didn't take long for his indigestion to manifest itself, and he cringed with the pain of it. Maybe it was just because this Avatar body hadn't eaten this much before, or maybe all of the Na'vi food fucked you up like this. That was a rather disturbing thought. Regardless, he was going to need a lot more than two leaves to clean _this_ up.

He couldn't very well go out there to face this princess with shit clinging to his ass, so he searched for anything within reach, matching up the shape and color of the leaves he had been handed with the plants growing around him. _This looks about right,_ Jake thought, comparing them carefully.

Neytiri was cursing her mother's decision to stick her with this useless dreamwalker. The creature didn't even know how to eliminate properly. How could she be responsible for teaching him the ways of the People? She might as well be teaching a stick to sing or an _ikran_ to make a bow. _What is taking this moron so long?_ She asked herself.

She was entirely unprepared for the naked blue blur that shot by her at high speed, hands planted firmly on his rear, screaming like the baby she accused him of being.

"_It BUUUURNS!"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chica**

Anger clouded her mind, frustration seeping in as she slammed her wrench against the concrete. Samson 16 was refusing to start, some problem with the electrical system triggering the failsafes. There were mechanics and engineers on Pandora, of course, but they were all busy working on the Dragon gunship, a far bigger priority than her chopper. _Yeah,_ she thought acidly, _Quaritch's paint job is more important than actual work._

"So we're stuck here." Grace pointed out, trying not to sound too annoyed with the pilot.

"I'll get this bitch up and running." Trudy stated flatly. And she would, failure was a thing she couldn't stand for in others, much less herself. Annoyed to no end, she slammed her foot into the electrical box, and suddenly the lights flipped to green on her panel.

"I'll be damned." She admired. Pandora's corrosive atmosphere made maintenance a real disaster, but sometimes all it needed was a little percussive love.

"We riding?" Wainfleet asked, hefting his rifle up into the cargo area. Trudy had never cared much for that asshole, the man derived way too much pleasure from killing things. There was talk around the colony that he had mowed down a Na'vi child out of boredom while out on patrol, though that was an unconfirmed rumor at best. Either way, killing was a soldier's _job,_ not something he was supposed to _enjoy._

"I certainly hope so." Grace answered impatiently. "Need to get back to site 26. And I'm sure this marine is going to want to get back to his girlfriend." That was a little joke among the group, Jake had been spending a lot of time learning from Neytiri and sometimes he just seemed a little _too_ eager to spend time with her. Of course, no one seriously considered anything would come of it, but it made for some decent jokes at the marine's expense.

"Yeah, been waiting awhile." Jake answered, as if in a daze. Which, Grace thought, was probably true. Running around the forests certainly had to beat rolling around concrete in a wheelchair.

"Nice job, Chica." Wainfleet laughed, smacking the pilot's ample bottom with an amused expression, holding on to the shapely rear end just long enough for a good squeeze. Grace and Jake looked on in horror, knowing exactly what would happen next.

Wainfleet was entirely unprepared for the hand ripping off his mask or fist that slammed into his face immediately thereafter, knocking loose blood and at least one tooth. Before the soldier could extricate himself from the floor, Trudy's pistol was already drawn and shoved in his mouth.

"Touch me again, bitch, and I'll shove this so far down your throat the bullet will come out of your asshole." The soldier just nodded anxiously, his voice muffled by the gun barrel.

"I guess she doesn't like to be called Chica." An amused Jake whispered to a wide-eyed Grace. Well, at least they'd be returning to Site 26 without Wainfleet tagging along. That was progress, of a sort.

**

**Tentatively**

_What the hell are you doing, Jake?_ As he awoke in the link chamber, turmoil roiled around in his mind. They were _lifemates_ now, the magnitude of that nearly blowing his mind. Yet he couldn't deny his feelings for her, his need to be with her, connected together like that. Everything was backwards now, his life with her felt so real and this one so false. Yet soon Quaritch would make his move, RDA wouldn't wait for him to finish his life with Neytiri before they moved on that unobtainium deposit. Sooner or later, things would go south in a real hurry. Would she still _see_ him then?

Light flooded his awareness as Grace lifted the chamber open for him, her expression one of absolute bewilderment. Normally, Jake would open it himself after it shut down. After all, cripple or not, he preferred to do things himself. _Obviously I lingered there too long, thinking. _Well, that was understandable, there was much on his mind. He feigned exhaustion, hoping she would buy it and think nothing different had happened this night. In truth he _was_ exhausted, he could barely feel his own body anymore.

"Marine, did you fall asleep in there? What the..." All of sudden Grace broke out laughing. That was incredibly unnerving, the scientist was a career cynic, she rarely laughed. "Norm, take a look at this." She smiled cruelly. _What the hell is going on?_

"So I guess you like the natives." Norm's laughter was even louder than Grace's.

It was then that Jake looked down at himself. One of the unfortunate side effects of his paralysis was a complete lack of feeling from _all_ parts below his waist. However that equipment still functioned in other ways, and apparently it had chosen this particular moment to stand at full attention, pitching a tent in his pants. Of course, Jake knew the reason for it, and embarrassment covered his face in scarlet tones.

He reached for the link lid, closing it back over himself, wanting no more than to crawl back inside and die. Grace and Norm's laughter didn't abate at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Queen High**

Smoke wafted through Site 26 as Grace eyed her cards, her expression filled with annoyance. That wasn't any kind of hint though, Jake thought wearily, she always looked like that. It made for an excellent poker face, so her next words were a very welcome relief.

"Fold." She flicked her cigarette butt into the incinerator. "Bullshit game anyway."

"Only when you're _losing._" Norm smiled. Maybe the man had a way with complex science, the marine pondered, but he absolutely stunk at this game. So the scientist had a good hand and he was blithely happy about it, well it was time to end that threat. "So, how is that twins wind up in such different fields?" Norm continued, sipping on a beer. "I mean, you've got the same genes, right?"

"No, Norm, we had different fathers."

"How is that possible?" Norm asked, suddenly intrigued.

"It isn't. You're just gullible." Jake laughed. "God, you're such a _skxawng, _sometimes." Jake twitched with annoyance, reaching for his own beer. There wasn't much of the booze to go around on this planet, but somehow Trudy had managed to get her hands on a stash of the stuff, he didn't want to know how she'd managed that. More than likely, someone was either dead, in the hospital or _very _happy. His hand stunk like yesterday's _yerik_ meat, but maybe if he could convince Norm to fold, he'd be able to handle Trudy. There was still one more draw on the community cards in the center, and maybe it would give him the Straight he needed. For her part, the pilot just eyed everyone through those sunglasses, her expression entirely unreadable, clutching her cards without any hint of emotion. He'd rather play cards with a goddamned viperwolf.

"Spending a lot of time with Neytiri, I see." Norm teased, nearly dropping one of his cards as he reached for his beer. Well that was progress, Norm certainly had no ability to handle alcohol, if the present game was any indication.

"I see your 20, and raise you 40." Jake tossed his chips in, not even dignifying the scientist's comment with a response. In truth, the man had a point, he was enjoying his time with the huntress a little more than he should be. But what of it? It wasn't like there was anything else to do around here, except try to bluff your way out of a losing poker hand and deal with Norm's indigestion (apparently he couldn't handle his algae either) turning the place into a goddamned fire hazard. Sometimes he gawked at Grace's wisdom for smoking around the man, it was like trying to light up inside a nitroglycerin plant.

"Yeah, yeah." Trudy observed, matching the bet. The pot had grown rather large, chips and wads of cash piled up everywhere. Still, it wasn't like money was really good for much out here. Texas Hold'em was about the only use for it in these parts. Sure, it would be nice to go home to a nicely padded bank account, but on Pandora the Company provided food and shelter, even if it was terrible, and it wasn't like there was anything like a shopping mall out here.

"All right, let's see the River." Jake demanded. He suppressed a smile as the final community card turned. Someone was looking out for him up there, he had his Straight. It wasn't the best hand in the world, but Trudy had to be full of shit, right? "So what will you guys do with all of your cash when you get back?"

"Uh, I dunno." Norm answered, checking the pot. "Never really thought about what I would do after Pandora. I mean, what compares to traveling to an alien world, anyway?"

"Well I could use a good fuck." Trudy observed sarcastically.

"What the hell? Why would _you_ have to pay for that? I mean, you're so beautiful." Norm answered, his drunken face registering a puzzled expression mixed with something like adoration.

"Oh God. Volunteering are we, Norm?" Grace covered her face with her hand.

"You never told me you were in love with Trudy." Jake answered wryly. His laughter, Trudy's shocked expression and Grace's shaking head all combined to turn Norm's face a deep, scarlet red. He immediately dropped his cards and vanished into the other room, slamming the hatch shut behind him, spilling his beer in his haste to escape the embarrassment.

"Guess that means he folds." Jake laughed at his success, reaching for the pot.

"I call bullshit." Trudy's cards flew down on the table as she pushed Jake's hands away from the impressive wad of chips. "Straight Flush, Queen high. What do you have?"

"Fuck you." Jake answered angrily.

"Nah, I'd take Norm before you." Trudy smiled conversationally as she collected her winnings. "Besides, you got that blue chick, right? Oh... wait. As a human, aren't you a little, you know, _small_ for her?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A Finger**

Neytiri's unbridled laughter was more terrifying than any beast Pandora could throw it at him. Her raw, unfiltered emotions were always a shock to him in both intensity and honesty. Maybe all Na'vi lived this way, but somehow Jake doubted it. This seemed to be a thing unique to her. Still, her jokes left something to be desired. Sure, she might be some kind of amazing huntress, even pretty in some strange way, but she sure sucked at this.

"So, let me see if I get this right. The _ikran_ tries to eat the warrior, but gets the bow instead, and so the warrior falls under the _ikran _and gets trampled on." Jake shook his head, Na'vi humor was entirely incomprehensible to him. "This is funny?"

"Yes! Much laughter." Neytiri almost snorted.

"Maybe it loses something in the translation." Jake rolled his eyes. Whatever else the Na'vi might be, they certainly weren't stand up acts. Then again, to them, maybe his daily failures were the real jokes around here. Learning this tree-hugging forest life was fun, but it certainly took a lot of screw-ups to get it right, even with a teacher like her.

"Don't you have Sky People... how you say..."

"Jokes."

"Yes, Sky People jokes. You don't have?" Neytiri looked at him with that inquisitive stare, her head cocked slightly.

"Sure, lots of them." Jake offered.

"What are jokes about?" Neytiri asked simply.

"Uh... humor on my world is, uh... Well we talk about bathrooms, and mating, and..." Neytiri interrupted him, her face aghast in horror.

"Sky People think mating funny?" Neytiri shook her head. "Mating is not funny." Her expression almost dared him to disagree with her.

"Sometimes. A lot of humans mate with many others. So they joke about it, especially if one is lacking in skill." Jake explained.

"Mating is not funny. Mating is sacred." She stated firmly, ending that particular argument. "So you tell other joke, about bath-room."

Jake smiled cruelly as he reached out toward her, index finger extended. "Sure. How about you pull my finger?" The warrior princess cocked her head again, taking one look at the mischief worming its way across his features, deciding that whatever else she might want to do, she definitely did not want to pull the outstretched finger.

"Not pulling the finger."

"Come on... you want to hear Sky People jokes, right?" He smiled again. Tentatively, she reached for it, gripping it weakly and tugging, then retreating to safety. One couldn't be too safe around Sky People, even if they were dreamwalkers.

"No, no. You must pull _harder._" Jake explained, trying to control his confident smirk. "It only works if you do that." She reached for the finger again, getting a good grip and giving it a heavy tug.

_BbbrrrrRRRttt._

Neytiri's nose twitched a moment before she burst out in childish laughter, even as she beat a hasty retreat from the offending dreamwalker. _Easily amused,_ Jake thought wryly, laughing more at her reaction than the prank itself.

**

**Lo Mein**

It was truly amazing to be eating real food for once, Jake thought to himself, it certainly beat the flavored post-processed algae rations that were the usual fare around here. The Hydroponics Bay turned out a small amount of actual Earth foods, and there was even a small cloning operation for, essentially, growing meat, eggs and other staples. Of course, most of _that_ went to the higher ups, but every now and then some of it filtered down to the grunts. On Earth, Lo Mein wouldn't have been considered particularly gourmet, but out here it was pure bliss.

"God, this is good." Jake slurped up a noodle.

"Yeah, 'bout time we had some real food. The rest of this shit probably went straight to Parker's ass." Grace complained.

"It's like the nectar of the Gods." Norm quipped, grabbing a pile of the noodles for himself.

"When you eat it, it might be some kind of nectar, but it's definitely _not_ Godly." Jake laughed.

"Don't those jokes ever get old?" Norm complained, obviously not amused, probably still nursing a grudge over that whole 'Trudy' incident a few nights back.

"Neytiri thinks they're funny." Jake answered, holding his fork up to emphasize his point.

"You've been teaching the Na'vi _fart _jokes?" Grace shook her head, incredulous. "They're teaching you about their entire world, and they only thing you can repay them with is toilet humor? No wonder they want to kill us."


End file.
